"I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God."
On Wednesday, I stood holding Destructo Boy alongside dozens of other immigrants at the U.S. Citizen Swearing-in Ceremony. I held up my right hand and said the above oath for him. Though he didn't have to, Destructo Boy held up his pudgy hand as well.
I am happy that everything is over and all parts of the adoption is finally completed. However, as I was saying the words, I felt a little bad for Destructo Boy. He didn't choose to "abjure all allegiance to any foreign prince." He didn't choose to leave Korea. Other people (including me) made that choice for him. How will he feel about this when he is old enough to understand?
For those of you who are US citizens by birth, read the above words. Did you know what you are obligated to?
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Friday, June 13, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
No Country for Young Boy
Next week, our family will celebrate our Family Day, commemorating one year since Destructo Boy's adoption became final. As I look back at that day, I remember how happy I felt. Destructo Boy was officially and legally my son and I thought all of the logistical stuff was over. Well, theoretically.
One year later we are still waiting for one more piece of paperwork - Destructo Boy's Certificate of Citizenship. I've already vented about this in a previous entry, but I bring it up now because the issue is still not resolved. Even though the law says my son is a U.S. citizen because of the adoption, I have no way to prove it. Unlike with my daughter, I just can't show up the Social Security Administration with his birth certificate and get him a social security number. I can't get him a U.S. passport. Why not? It says his birthplace is South Korea.
But get this...he's not a Korean citizen either. When I took him out of the country, I sat in the South Korean immigration office and officially took him off their citizen list (standard policy - if he remained on the list he would have to serve in the Korean army). So my son has no county, at least on paper.
10 months after we applied for a Certificate of Citizenship, we finally heard from the Department of Homeland Security. We have to show up in person for an "interview" and we were told to bring his green card and passport to the agency in order to receive his COC. Ummm....why does he need his green card? He is already a citizen because we adopted him. And passport? What passport? He never had a passport because he relinquished his Korean citizenship when we left the country. When I tried explaining this to the agent when I called the so-called "Help Line" at the DHS, I was told I would have to make an appointment to ask this particular question in person. So I try to make an appointment with our local office, but the next available appointment comes AFTER our scheduled interview. My faith in the Federal government shrinks each passing day.
This whole situation has caused me to have some crazy thoughts....if Destructo Boy was deported, where would he be sent to? Would he be forced to wander the terminal at the airport like in that mediocre Tom Hanks movie? Really...all I want is to get my kid a passport and a social security card so he can grow up and become a participating citizen. Why must it be so difficult?
Did I mention a Certificate of Citizenship costs over $400?
One year later we are still waiting for one more piece of paperwork - Destructo Boy's Certificate of Citizenship. I've already vented about this in a previous entry, but I bring it up now because the issue is still not resolved. Even though the law says my son is a U.S. citizen because of the adoption, I have no way to prove it. Unlike with my daughter, I just can't show up the Social Security Administration with his birth certificate and get him a social security number. I can't get him a U.S. passport. Why not? It says his birthplace is South Korea.
But get this...he's not a Korean citizen either. When I took him out of the country, I sat in the South Korean immigration office and officially took him off their citizen list (standard policy - if he remained on the list he would have to serve in the Korean army). So my son has no county, at least on paper.
10 months after we applied for a Certificate of Citizenship, we finally heard from the Department of Homeland Security. We have to show up in person for an "interview" and we were told to bring his green card and passport to the agency in order to receive his COC. Ummm....why does he need his green card? He is already a citizen because we adopted him. And passport? What passport? He never had a passport because he relinquished his Korean citizenship when we left the country. When I tried explaining this to the agent when I called the so-called "Help Line" at the DHS, I was told I would have to make an appointment to ask this particular question in person. So I try to make an appointment with our local office, but the next available appointment comes AFTER our scheduled interview. My faith in the Federal government shrinks each passing day.
This whole situation has caused me to have some crazy thoughts....if Destructo Boy was deported, where would he be sent to? Would he be forced to wander the terminal at the airport like in that mediocre Tom Hanks movie? Really...all I want is to get my kid a passport and a social security card so he can grow up and become a participating citizen. Why must it be so difficult?
Did I mention a Certificate of Citizenship costs over $400?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Bureaucracy sucks
The following is an exact quote from the Child Citizenship Act of 2000:
TITLE I--CITIZENSHIP FOR CERTAIN CHILDREN BORN OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES
SEC. 101. AUTOMATIC ACQUISITION OF CITIZENSHIP FOR CERTAIN CHILDREN BORN OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES.
(a) In General.--Section 320 of the Immigration and Nationality Act (8 U.S.C. 1431) is amended to read as follows:
''children born outside the United States and residing permanently in the United States; conditions under which citizenship automatically acquired
''Sec. 320. (a) A child born outside of the United States automatically becomes a citizen of the United States when all of the following conditions have been fulfilled:
''(1) At least one parent of the child is a citizen of the United States, whether by birth or naturalization.''(2) The child is under the age of eighteen years.''(3) The child is residing in the United States in the legal and physical custody of the citizen parent pursuant to a lawful admission for permanent residence.
''(b) Subsection (a) shall apply to a child adopted by a United States citizen parent if the child satisfies the requirements applicable to adopted children under section 101(b)(1).''.
(b) Clerical Amendment.--The table of sections of such Act is amended by striking the item relating to section 320 and inserting the following:
''Sec. 320. Children born outside the United States and residing permanently in the United States; conditions under which citizenship automatically acquired.''
The way I see it, this law says that Destructo Boy became a citizen the moment the adoption was final. Right? As I found out recently, it's only half right. After I received Destructo Boy's new birth certificate, I tried to apply for his social security card. This is what I found on the Social Security Administration's website:
"Please note that the adoption decree (issued in a foreign country or the U.S.) or a birth certificate is not proof of U.S. citizenship for a foreign-born child. Proof of U.S. citizenship can be obtained from DHS."
DHS stands for the Department of Homeland Security. So, even though the law says that my son is a citizen via adoption and he has been issued an American birth certificate, I still have to have additional paperwork to prove he is a citizen. Before you all say "What's the big deal?," I'll tell you what the big deal is. A Certificate of Citizenship (COC) from the Department of Homeland security costs $420. I have to pay $420 for a piece of paper that explains what any idiot should figure out from the adoption decree.
And there's more to this story....the fee for a COC went up from $250 to $420 just this past July. We received all of Destructo Boy's final paperwork before the deadline, so I hurried and sent everything in. A MONTH LATER AFTER THE DEADLINE, I get everything back from DHS with no explanation. After talking to many people WHO KNEW NOTHING, I was forced meet them in person. It was there that they told me that our application was rejected because the Dallas office did not accept personal checks. Okay...they why does it say on the website instructions to "Make all personal checks to Department of Homeland Security"?????? And furthermore, couldn't somebody have written me a note when they sent everything back to me? Even after all my aruguing, they still made me pay the new fee because the application was not processed before the deadline.
So we caved and paid, but that's not the end. By the time all that madness was over, it was the end of August. It's now February. WE HAVE YET TO RECEIVE THIS $420 PIECE OF CRAP PAPER THAT WE NEED TO GET A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD. We called the DHS and they said they are just now processing applications from July. JULY???? It was supposed to take three months to process. What the f*%k are my tax dollars going to? What the f*%k is my $420 going to?
What bugs me the most is that I feel like Destructo Boy is not being treated fairly. In the eyes of the law, he should be a citizen. He IS an American citizen according to the law. When he left South Korea, he had to relinquish his Korean citizenship. The United States of America was supposed to legally accept him as one of theirs as soon as we signed the adoption papers. And technically they have...but he has to provide proof. I am a child of immigrants, so unfortunately this type of discrimination and idiocy is nothing new to me. When my mother applied to become an American citizen, the then-INS office sent her paperwork to the wrong agency and it took months to find it. I am now reliving this burearcratic nightmare through my son.
TITLE I--CITIZENSHIP FOR CERTAIN CHILDREN BORN OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES
SEC. 101. AUTOMATIC ACQUISITION OF CITIZENSHIP FOR CERTAIN CHILDREN BORN OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES.
(a) In General.--Section 320 of the Immigration and Nationality Act (8 U.S.C. 1431) is amended to read as follows:
''children born outside the United States and residing permanently in the United States; conditions under which citizenship automatically acquired
''Sec. 320. (a) A child born outside of the United States automatically becomes a citizen of the United States when all of the following conditions have been fulfilled:
''(1) At least one parent of the child is a citizen of the United States, whether by birth or naturalization.''(2) The child is under the age of eighteen years.''(3) The child is residing in the United States in the legal and physical custody of the citizen parent pursuant to a lawful admission for permanent residence.
''(b) Subsection (a) shall apply to a child adopted by a United States citizen parent if the child satisfies the requirements applicable to adopted children under section 101(b)(1).''.
(b) Clerical Amendment.--The table of sections of such Act is amended by striking the item relating to section 320 and inserting the following:
''Sec. 320. Children born outside the United States and residing permanently in the United States; conditions under which citizenship automatically acquired.''
The way I see it, this law says that Destructo Boy became a citizen the moment the adoption was final. Right? As I found out recently, it's only half right. After I received Destructo Boy's new birth certificate, I tried to apply for his social security card. This is what I found on the Social Security Administration's website:
"Please note that the adoption decree (issued in a foreign country or the U.S.) or a birth certificate is not proof of U.S. citizenship for a foreign-born child. Proof of U.S. citizenship can be obtained from DHS."
DHS stands for the Department of Homeland Security. So, even though the law says that my son is a citizen via adoption and he has been issued an American birth certificate, I still have to have additional paperwork to prove he is a citizen. Before you all say "What's the big deal?," I'll tell you what the big deal is. A Certificate of Citizenship (COC) from the Department of Homeland security costs $420. I have to pay $420 for a piece of paper that explains what any idiot should figure out from the adoption decree.
And there's more to this story....the fee for a COC went up from $250 to $420 just this past July. We received all of Destructo Boy's final paperwork before the deadline, so I hurried and sent everything in. A MONTH LATER AFTER THE DEADLINE, I get everything back from DHS with no explanation. After talking to many people WHO KNEW NOTHING, I was forced meet them in person. It was there that they told me that our application was rejected because the Dallas office did not accept personal checks. Okay...they why does it say on the website instructions to "Make all personal checks to Department of Homeland Security"?????? And furthermore, couldn't somebody have written me a note when they sent everything back to me? Even after all my aruguing, they still made me pay the new fee because the application was not processed before the deadline.
So we caved and paid, but that's not the end. By the time all that madness was over, it was the end of August. It's now February. WE HAVE YET TO RECEIVE THIS $420 PIECE OF CRAP PAPER THAT WE NEED TO GET A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD. We called the DHS and they said they are just now processing applications from July. JULY???? It was supposed to take three months to process. What the f*%k are my tax dollars going to? What the f*%k is my $420 going to?
What bugs me the most is that I feel like Destructo Boy is not being treated fairly. In the eyes of the law, he should be a citizen. He IS an American citizen according to the law. When he left South Korea, he had to relinquish his Korean citizenship. The United States of America was supposed to legally accept him as one of theirs as soon as we signed the adoption papers. And technically they have...but he has to provide proof. I am a child of immigrants, so unfortunately this type of discrimination and idiocy is nothing new to me. When my mother applied to become an American citizen, the then-INS office sent her paperwork to the wrong agency and it took months to find it. I am now reliving this burearcratic nightmare through my son.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Journey to Destructo Boy - Part II
Last night, our familly celebrated Destructo Boy's coming home anniversary by trying a new Korean restaurant. Ebo and I are not unfamiliar with Korean food, but where we live, these establishments are not easy to come by. I remembered seeing a little hole-in-the wall place in a small shopping center, but I couldn't exactly remember where it was. After a half an hour of driving in a trip that would normally only last 15 minutes, we finally arrived at the restaurant. The whole family enjoyed a night of great food and Korean television.
As Destructo Boy was getting Kimchee and rice all over his face and clothes, I was looking at him and reminiscing our trip home last year. Although we were anxious to have our son with us, we were scared shitless at the thought of having two kids under the age of three. When we started the adoption process, we were expecting to wait two years for a referral and here we were one year later with a new child. Ebo and I struggled with the decision - we wanted this little boy to be ours, but were we really ready? Could we manage?
And let's not forget the taboo adoption topic - cost. Adoption costs money. No matter how many agencies tell you that you are paying for services and not buying a child, it sometimes feels like you are. And then there are the suprise costs. When we agreed to adopt Destructo Boy, we felt we could barely manage the Korean adoption fees which are significantly higher than those from the Philippines. But what we didn't prepare for was the "extras" - fingerprinting, immigration fees (which just had to go up when we started the process), attorney fees for finalization - these are all costs they leave out in the agency pamphlet. Back before we decided to start trying to have children, I was trying to explaing (to a very fertile friend) that we were trying to save up the money before we start anything. She said to me, "Well, kids are always going to cost you money." I snapped back at her, "That's true, but unfortunately ours are going to require a lot of the money up front." But here we are, savings depleted, but we are still thankful for our son.
I like to tell people that it was the fact that I "knew" Destructo Boy was meant to be ours, but it's not that simple. Yes, I would look at his picture online and bask in his cuteness, but I will admit that I was terribly afraid to pass up any opportunity. After we were disappointed by the Philippine program, I didn't want to take any chances. I didn't care if it was bad timing. I didn't care if I hadn't finished graduate school. I didn't want to be in limbo any longer. Ebo felt the same way, but he was a little more logical about it than I was. He kept reminding me about the close age difference been Sassy Girl and Destructo Boy, the added cost of a second child, my unfinished disserataion, and the possible health problems associated with Destructo Boy's prematurity. I really don't remember how we came to a final decision, but then next thing I knew I was booking a flight to Seoul.
Some adoptive parents say that they knew "their" child the instant he/she was placed in their arms. When Destructo Boy's foster mom gave him to me, the only thought I had in my head was "Damn. This boy is heavy." It kind of reminded me of when I first saw Sassy Girl in her isolette in the NICU. There she was, all two and a half pounds of her, looking more like a mechanical doll than an infant. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, but I knew I didn't feel like a mother. But as I visited her day after day, I would make the choice to be her mother. I made the same choice that first night with Destructo Boy - I held him tight, kissed his chubby little cheeks, and just enjoyed him. He smiled our whole first night together before we flew home. He even smiled when he projectile vomited all over me. That's my boy!
I don't remember much about our flight home, but I do remember how peaceful Destructo Boy looked as he slept on my shoulder. I also remember waiting in line at customs and immigration in Minneapolis. The man asked me "Are you his escort?" as many Korean born adoptees are escorted to their parents by a third party. "No," I said, "I am his mother." His mother. My choice was clearly made. It wouldn't make sense for a long time, but I knew in my heart I was committed.
As Destructo Boy was getting Kimchee and rice all over his face and clothes, I was looking at him and reminiscing our trip home last year. Although we were anxious to have our son with us, we were scared shitless at the thought of having two kids under the age of three. When we started the adoption process, we were expecting to wait two years for a referral and here we were one year later with a new child. Ebo and I struggled with the decision - we wanted this little boy to be ours, but were we really ready? Could we manage?
And let's not forget the taboo adoption topic - cost. Adoption costs money. No matter how many agencies tell you that you are paying for services and not buying a child, it sometimes feels like you are. And then there are the suprise costs. When we agreed to adopt Destructo Boy, we felt we could barely manage the Korean adoption fees which are significantly higher than those from the Philippines. But what we didn't prepare for was the "extras" - fingerprinting, immigration fees (which just had to go up when we started the process), attorney fees for finalization - these are all costs they leave out in the agency pamphlet. Back before we decided to start trying to have children, I was trying to explaing (to a very fertile friend) that we were trying to save up the money before we start anything. She said to me, "Well, kids are always going to cost you money." I snapped back at her, "That's true, but unfortunately ours are going to require a lot of the money up front." But here we are, savings depleted, but we are still thankful for our son.
I like to tell people that it was the fact that I "knew" Destructo Boy was meant to be ours, but it's not that simple. Yes, I would look at his picture online and bask in his cuteness, but I will admit that I was terribly afraid to pass up any opportunity. After we were disappointed by the Philippine program, I didn't want to take any chances. I didn't care if it was bad timing. I didn't care if I hadn't finished graduate school. I didn't want to be in limbo any longer. Ebo felt the same way, but he was a little more logical about it than I was. He kept reminding me about the close age difference been Sassy Girl and Destructo Boy, the added cost of a second child, my unfinished disserataion, and the possible health problems associated with Destructo Boy's prematurity. I really don't remember how we came to a final decision, but then next thing I knew I was booking a flight to Seoul.
Some adoptive parents say that they knew "their" child the instant he/she was placed in their arms. When Destructo Boy's foster mom gave him to me, the only thought I had in my head was "Damn. This boy is heavy." It kind of reminded me of when I first saw Sassy Girl in her isolette in the NICU. There she was, all two and a half pounds of her, looking more like a mechanical doll than an infant. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, but I knew I didn't feel like a mother. But as I visited her day after day, I would make the choice to be her mother. I made the same choice that first night with Destructo Boy - I held him tight, kissed his chubby little cheeks, and just enjoyed him. He smiled our whole first night together before we flew home. He even smiled when he projectile vomited all over me. That's my boy!
I don't remember much about our flight home, but I do remember how peaceful Destructo Boy looked as he slept on my shoulder. I also remember waiting in line at customs and immigration in Minneapolis. The man asked me "Are you his escort?" as many Korean born adoptees are escorted to their parents by a third party. "No," I said, "I am his mother." His mother. My choice was clearly made. It wouldn't make sense for a long time, but I knew in my heart I was committed.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
In Angelina Jolie's Shadow
I was originally going to write about the next chapter in our infertility saga, but I have been wanting to get something off my chest for a long time now.
NO, ANGELINA JOLIE WAS NOT A FACTOR IN OUR DECISION TO ADOPT!!!!
Ever since before Destructo Boy came home and we were telling people we were adopting, I have had many conversations with (for the most part) well-meaning people that that have sounded like this:
Curious person: Congratulations! He's so cute! Where is he from again?
Me: South Korea
Curious person: Wow! And [Sassy Girl], she's your biological child, right? (Sometimes this phrase doesn't come out so nice) Why did you decide to adopt?
Me: Well, it's a long story...
Curious person (not wanting to hear it): You guys are just like Brad and Angelina! Did you know that they.....
Celebrities can do what they want. I admit, the tabloids do give me entertainment and I do pay attention, especially when it is about adoption. I also believe that 90% of the crap I read isn't true and the stories are just PR stunts to promote movies, music, clothing lines, etc. However, I have mixed feelings about seeing adoption in the entertainment media. On the one hand, adoption has become more "normalized" because of the attention payed public figures who become adoptive parents. On the other hand, most of these stories are not meant to educate the public about adoption so they end up perpetuating the negative stereotypes associated with adoptive families.
I do not own a (real) Louis Vuitton bag, and if I did, it would not be because I saw Paris Hilton carry one on a red carpet. Nor did Ebo and I come to an adoption decision because it's the latest fad in Hollywood. Anyone who has gone through the adoption process will tell you that it's not easy and certainly not for everyone. Nobody can "just adopt," not even Angelina Jolie (although at times I have wondered if the process might have been streamlined for her, but I digress). Ebo and I had to ask ourselves (and were asked by a social worker) many questions about our desire and ability to be parents of an adopted child. How were we going to address adoption in the future? How do we feel about having both an adopted child and a biological child? How would we answer questions about our son's birthfamily? How would we honor his culture?
Adoption is about more than just having a baby. It's more about welcoming a child into your family and embracing his or her biological and cultural past. I'm sure Angelina and Brad do a fine job of this, but really, they are not the first people I look to for parenting advice.
NO, ANGELINA JOLIE WAS NOT A FACTOR IN OUR DECISION TO ADOPT!!!!
Ever since before Destructo Boy came home and we were telling people we were adopting, I have had many conversations with (for the most part) well-meaning people that that have sounded like this:
Curious person: Congratulations! He's so cute! Where is he from again?
Me: South Korea
Curious person: Wow! And [Sassy Girl], she's your biological child, right? (Sometimes this phrase doesn't come out so nice) Why did you decide to adopt?
Me: Well, it's a long story...
Curious person (not wanting to hear it): You guys are just like Brad and Angelina! Did you know that they.....
Celebrities can do what they want. I admit, the tabloids do give me entertainment and I do pay attention, especially when it is about adoption. I also believe that 90% of the crap I read isn't true and the stories are just PR stunts to promote movies, music, clothing lines, etc. However, I have mixed feelings about seeing adoption in the entertainment media. On the one hand, adoption has become more "normalized" because of the attention payed public figures who become adoptive parents. On the other hand, most of these stories are not meant to educate the public about adoption so they end up perpetuating the negative stereotypes associated with adoptive families.
I do not own a (real) Louis Vuitton bag, and if I did, it would not be because I saw Paris Hilton carry one on a red carpet. Nor did Ebo and I come to an adoption decision because it's the latest fad in Hollywood. Anyone who has gone through the adoption process will tell you that it's not easy and certainly not for everyone. Nobody can "just adopt," not even Angelina Jolie (although at times I have wondered if the process might have been streamlined for her, but I digress). Ebo and I had to ask ourselves (and were asked by a social worker) many questions about our desire and ability to be parents of an adopted child. How were we going to address adoption in the future? How do we feel about having both an adopted child and a biological child? How would we answer questions about our son's birthfamily? How would we honor his culture?
Adoption is about more than just having a baby. It's more about welcoming a child into your family and embracing his or her biological and cultural past. I'm sure Angelina and Brad do a fine job of this, but really, they are not the first people I look to for parenting advice.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
It's now or never
Three years ago, I was feeling a sense of urgency. My husband and I had a lovely home and I was doing well in graduate school. My proposal received funding and I was well on my way to finishing my dissertation research that I had started three years prior. But something in my life was missing...that something was children. Fast forward to now...I have two beautiful children and am the happiest I have ever been. However, I still feel there is still something unfinished in my life. This is the disseration that I started three years ago.
I must give a little background. My husband (who I from now on call "Ebo") and I married in 1999 after four years of dating. He is the love of my life and I have never doubted for a second the decision I made to marry him. Coming from me, this means a lot - I doubt everything. But when we got married, we knew we were going to have problems when we decided to have children. Ebo has a genetic condition that prevents us from conceiving a child without some major intervention. We knew the extent of this problem well before we decided to get married, but when I was in my early twenties, having kids was the last thing on my mind. I didn't think the concept of "infertility" was such a big deal. I couldn't imagine the inability to have children would consume my life and take over my identity. Yet three years later, we were on the baby bandwagon and both our lives were forever changed.
Looking back, it probably was the birth of my goddaughter that started the baby "itch." As my friends and I started graduating from college and graduate school, I attended a "wave" of weddings, beginning with mine. A couple of years later, the baby announcements started appearing in my mailbox. Photo creations from Shutterfly adorned with pink booties, blue rattles, or yellow ducks. When my best friend told me she was pregnant, I was elated because I knew this baby was going to be big part of my life. And then when I held her in my arms for the first time, I experienced both joy and sadness at the same time. Joy because this wonderful creature captured my heart. Sadness because I thought I would never experience this kind of joy as a parent.
Not that I didn't have a lot going for me at the time. Though I had become wary of leaving a career in elementary education to go to graduate school and persue a doctorate, I was doing quite well in my studies. I had started a pilot study in South America investigating the lives of families with children with disabilities. I was working on my grant, which would eventually be funded by the National Science Foundation. Ebo and I had a nice house in the 'burbs (I detest the suburbs, but it was a good investment). Up until that point, Ebo and I both knew we wanted kids, but we knew that to have them it would take some major sacrifice on both our parts. So after my goddaughter's birth, I went into major research mode. Ebo and I were not sure we wanted to go through in-vitro fertilization (IVF), which was our only option to have a child that was biologically related to both of us. So we spent our time and resources looking into adoption. However, a series of events (which I will probably get into in future posts) led us to the office of a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) and the birth of our daughter in 2004 (who I will refer to as Sassy Girl).
Even if you forget the IVF, my pregnancy with Sassy Girl was anything but "normal." Right before I started injections for the procedure, I found out that the National Science Foundation funded my research. This meant I had to get my qualifying exams finished so I could start my research. After I found out I was pregnant in February 2004, I had to haul major ass in getting my papers done. The day of my quals, I was three months pregnant, plagued with morning sickness, and nervous as hell that my committee would know I was going to have a baby. You see, even though it is not totally unheard of for a graduate student to be pregnant, it is certainly not a preferred step in the Ph.D. process. I wasn't going to tell anyone until my exams were finished and they handed me a Master's Degree. In the end, they were very supportive and very happy that there would be a new "member" to the department.
15 weeks pregnant, I traveled to Ecuador to start my research. My plan was to be gone for three months and return to the US in my third trimester. I got myself a great OBGYN in Quito and armed myself with every pregnancy book on the planet. I thought I was doing everything right. Then all hell broke loose in my 25th week...I fell down the stairs and bruised my tailbone. All was fine with the baby, but I decided to make a short trip back home to check-in with my doctor in the States. After a precautionary ultrasound, they found that Sassy Girl was not growing as she should and my blood pressure was getting higher. I had pre-eclamsia and I was not going back to Ecuador. I was going to the hospital. Long story short (again, you will hear it in future posts) my little peanut Sassy Girl was born eight weeks early, weighing only 2 pounds, 7 ounces.
Mothering a preemie and writing a dissertation are two activities that aren't easy to do together. Constant worry about Sassy Girl's health and development seemed more important than my data. I eventually returned to the field (with Sassy Girl and Ebo) in 2005 and finished the bulk of my research, but I still had to write the damn dissertation. Furthermore, wanting my family to grow (and knowing that I couldn't do it "naturally") was always on my mind. After long discussions, Ebo and I decided that though we were so thankful to have Sassy Girl, IVF was not an option for us anymore. We started the adoption process the fall of 2005 thinking it would take a couple of years for us to have another baby. But after a series of pitfalls, surprises, and rash decisions (all material for future posts), our son (Destructo Boy) came home to us in November 2006. We now had two children under the age of three. And the dissertation remains unfinished.
Which brings me to my blog. I am making my story public, but I am writing this journal mainly for my own benefit. As I look at my data and try to write, all of this other "stuff" takes over my thoughts - being a good mother, keeping my kids healthy, the importance of my work. A fellow graduate student once told me "Don't get it right; get it written." However, I can't seem to muster up the energy or motivation to do either. But I have to finish, if not for myself, for Sassy Girl and Destructo Boy. I hope that I can use this blog to organize all this stuff so I can finish what I started six years ago. It's now or never.
I must give a little background. My husband (who I from now on call "Ebo") and I married in 1999 after four years of dating. He is the love of my life and I have never doubted for a second the decision I made to marry him. Coming from me, this means a lot - I doubt everything. But when we got married, we knew we were going to have problems when we decided to have children. Ebo has a genetic condition that prevents us from conceiving a child without some major intervention. We knew the extent of this problem well before we decided to get married, but when I was in my early twenties, having kids was the last thing on my mind. I didn't think the concept of "infertility" was such a big deal. I couldn't imagine the inability to have children would consume my life and take over my identity. Yet three years later, we were on the baby bandwagon and both our lives were forever changed.
Looking back, it probably was the birth of my goddaughter that started the baby "itch." As my friends and I started graduating from college and graduate school, I attended a "wave" of weddings, beginning with mine. A couple of years later, the baby announcements started appearing in my mailbox. Photo creations from Shutterfly adorned with pink booties, blue rattles, or yellow ducks. When my best friend told me she was pregnant, I was elated because I knew this baby was going to be big part of my life. And then when I held her in my arms for the first time, I experienced both joy and sadness at the same time. Joy because this wonderful creature captured my heart. Sadness because I thought I would never experience this kind of joy as a parent.
Not that I didn't have a lot going for me at the time. Though I had become wary of leaving a career in elementary education to go to graduate school and persue a doctorate, I was doing quite well in my studies. I had started a pilot study in South America investigating the lives of families with children with disabilities. I was working on my grant, which would eventually be funded by the National Science Foundation. Ebo and I had a nice house in the 'burbs (I detest the suburbs, but it was a good investment). Up until that point, Ebo and I both knew we wanted kids, but we knew that to have them it would take some major sacrifice on both our parts. So after my goddaughter's birth, I went into major research mode. Ebo and I were not sure we wanted to go through in-vitro fertilization (IVF), which was our only option to have a child that was biologically related to both of us. So we spent our time and resources looking into adoption. However, a series of events (which I will probably get into in future posts) led us to the office of a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) and the birth of our daughter in 2004 (who I will refer to as Sassy Girl).
Even if you forget the IVF, my pregnancy with Sassy Girl was anything but "normal." Right before I started injections for the procedure, I found out that the National Science Foundation funded my research. This meant I had to get my qualifying exams finished so I could start my research. After I found out I was pregnant in February 2004, I had to haul major ass in getting my papers done. The day of my quals, I was three months pregnant, plagued with morning sickness, and nervous as hell that my committee would know I was going to have a baby. You see, even though it is not totally unheard of for a graduate student to be pregnant, it is certainly not a preferred step in the Ph.D. process. I wasn't going to tell anyone until my exams were finished and they handed me a Master's Degree. In the end, they were very supportive and very happy that there would be a new "member" to the department.
15 weeks pregnant, I traveled to Ecuador to start my research. My plan was to be gone for three months and return to the US in my third trimester. I got myself a great OBGYN in Quito and armed myself with every pregnancy book on the planet. I thought I was doing everything right. Then all hell broke loose in my 25th week...I fell down the stairs and bruised my tailbone. All was fine with the baby, but I decided to make a short trip back home to check-in with my doctor in the States. After a precautionary ultrasound, they found that Sassy Girl was not growing as she should and my blood pressure was getting higher. I had pre-eclamsia and I was not going back to Ecuador. I was going to the hospital. Long story short (again, you will hear it in future posts) my little peanut Sassy Girl was born eight weeks early, weighing only 2 pounds, 7 ounces.
Mothering a preemie and writing a dissertation are two activities that aren't easy to do together. Constant worry about Sassy Girl's health and development seemed more important than my data. I eventually returned to the field (with Sassy Girl and Ebo) in 2005 and finished the bulk of my research, but I still had to write the damn dissertation. Furthermore, wanting my family to grow (and knowing that I couldn't do it "naturally") was always on my mind. After long discussions, Ebo and I decided that though we were so thankful to have Sassy Girl, IVF was not an option for us anymore. We started the adoption process the fall of 2005 thinking it would take a couple of years for us to have another baby. But after a series of pitfalls, surprises, and rash decisions (all material for future posts), our son (Destructo Boy) came home to us in November 2006. We now had two children under the age of three. And the dissertation remains unfinished.
Which brings me to my blog. I am making my story public, but I am writing this journal mainly for my own benefit. As I look at my data and try to write, all of this other "stuff" takes over my thoughts - being a good mother, keeping my kids healthy, the importance of my work. A fellow graduate student once told me "Don't get it right; get it written." However, I can't seem to muster up the energy or motivation to do either. But I have to finish, if not for myself, for Sassy Girl and Destructo Boy. I hope that I can use this blog to organize all this stuff so I can finish what I started six years ago. It's now or never.
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